December 18

18. My favorite creepy date rape Christmas Carole....really gets you in the spirit

a brief history on the sinister ditty....written in 1944 (according to wikipedia, so it must be true), it was first performed by its composer, frank loesser, singing the male "the wolf" part and his wife on the female, "the mouse" part. it has made it into half a dozen movies and been recorded ad nauseum by many a pop star including bing crosby and doris day, ella fitzgerland and louis jordan (the version i grew up on), louise armstrong, ray charles, ann margret, and most recently and unfortunately, jessica simpson and nick lache.

it's a fun, upbeat song. kinda flirty and charming. BUT IT'S ALSO ABOUT COERCION. and possibly drugging. seriously, kids. if you're on a date and at the end of the evening you're trying to go home and the dialogue starts to go like this, kick him in the nuts and run.

so please enjoy (my editorialized version) of....


Baby, It's Cold Outside

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
well Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour
(alcohol does wonders on inhibitions)
The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
(ROOFIES!)
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
(holding her stuff for ransom)
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
(he's moving closer anyway)
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
(...against your better judgment)
Ahh, but it's cold outside
C'mon baby
I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
(i'll totally respect you in the morning)
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
(what....WHAT?)
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips look delicious
(maidens are lame)
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before
I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
(and your pupils are really dilated)
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
(if you really loved me, you'd do it...)
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
(IS THAT A THREAT?)
I really can't stay - Get over that old out
(everybody's doing it)
Ahh, but it's cold outside
Baby it's cold outside
Brr its cold…
(it's damned near 50 degrees out there...)
It's cold out there
Cant you stay awhile longer baby
Well…..I really shouldn't...alright
(clearly the roofies have had time to kick in)
Make it worth your while baby
Ahh, do that again….
(oh, my, no...)