and it's almost over, gracias a Dios. i do not think i could have survived another few days of this. and i might have sat on the toilet in the locker room in the middle of the day yesterday, weeping silently while texting the BHE that i'm going to pay off my loans and then quit and become a rodeo clown or bank robber. and i might have accidentally on purpose almost dropped my pager into the toilet so that it would stop going off and people would stop asking me questions and expecting me to KNOW stuff and give them CORRECT and reasonable answers.
and i was such a stressy anxious spaz yesterday after work that i went right home and ran over 3 miles. (i bet you thought i was going to say a puppy, right? ran over a puppy? you're sick). which is a personal best and i would be really proud that that was my healthy means to blow off steam, except that i took a few drags of whiskey straight from the bottle and ate half a bag of chocolate chips before i went. in retrospect, drinking and running is kind of maniacal and may be a sign of some deep neuroses.
perhaps there are some things that i should not confess and should instead keep to myself.
nah.
now if you'll excuse me, i'm off to make a cognac whey protein smoothie.
(i'm joking, but seriously- why do i have so much old man booze in my house? what are the kids drinking these days? are they still on pomegranate martinis? hypnotiq? zima?).
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Geek Drama
so, being on the floor this week again means that i'm in a near constant state of panic, because i'm still so afraid to make decisions regarding the health and well-being of real live people. i mean, seriously, heart palpitations, head ache, and i think i'm developing a tick. (which i'm sure is really reassuring to the poor patients).
and, i guess, somehow in our little sterile OR world, i can separate myself from the reality of the pain and fear of the hospital. when i'm holding a tumor, i don't have to think about the terror the patient and family felt as they were told it was cancer or the upcoming chemo treatments they'll face that will take them to the brink of death to save them from going over. or even the complications and challenges in recovery- nausea, pain, confusion, weakness....every little thing is scary and hard. even just having to wear the flimsy hospital gown and losing all modicum of privacy and dignity.
on the floor, all this is apparent. patients are crying and throwing up and yelling. families are either repeating the one hopeful phrase someone tossed their way or they just look...lost.
i can understand why medical shows are so popular. there's no better stage than a hospital to demonstrate human tragedy. and comedy.
i walked past the surgical waiting area on my way out this afternoon. this is where families wait while their loved ones are in the OR. it's just a big area with chairs, a TV, and a reception desk in a hallway with a little room to the side where surgeons take the family when the surgery is over, to tell them how things went and what they can expect. the faces of those waiting vary in this room. there's everyone from the husband of the woman getting breast augmentation who's beaming in the corner in his own private triumph to the little old lady whose husband is in the middle of a coronary bypass graft sitting wondering if she could survive as a widow. occasionally you'll see families holding hands and praying. some do suduku or sleep. some pace clinging to a venti starbucks drink.
today as i passed, i saw a huge group of the waiters huddled around the one TV. i was certain another national bank had bit the dust or some other big news, but when i got closer, i saw that they were all watching a high speed car chase and that the police were just apprehending the crazy driver out from the driver's side of a truck.
i couldn't help but be amused. here i was, observing the drama unfolding in the waiting room while they were finding apparent distraction and possible comfort in watching the mess on the screen- the tiny self-destructive driver on the small screen being manhandled by the angry miniature police in their own tragi-drama. and i assume that the driver then, in turn, spotted a bully picking on a little nerd in a school yard from the back of the paddy wagon on his way to the big house...full circle. like a sad bastard Russian nesting doll.
and, i guess, somehow in our little sterile OR world, i can separate myself from the reality of the pain and fear of the hospital. when i'm holding a tumor, i don't have to think about the terror the patient and family felt as they were told it was cancer or the upcoming chemo treatments they'll face that will take them to the brink of death to save them from going over. or even the complications and challenges in recovery- nausea, pain, confusion, weakness....every little thing is scary and hard. even just having to wear the flimsy hospital gown and losing all modicum of privacy and dignity.
on the floor, all this is apparent. patients are crying and throwing up and yelling. families are either repeating the one hopeful phrase someone tossed their way or they just look...lost.
i can understand why medical shows are so popular. there's no better stage than a hospital to demonstrate human tragedy. and comedy.
i walked past the surgical waiting area on my way out this afternoon. this is where families wait while their loved ones are in the OR. it's just a big area with chairs, a TV, and a reception desk in a hallway with a little room to the side where surgeons take the family when the surgery is over, to tell them how things went and what they can expect. the faces of those waiting vary in this room. there's everyone from the husband of the woman getting breast augmentation who's beaming in the corner in his own private triumph to the little old lady whose husband is in the middle of a coronary bypass graft sitting wondering if she could survive as a widow. occasionally you'll see families holding hands and praying. some do suduku or sleep. some pace clinging to a venti starbucks drink.
today as i passed, i saw a huge group of the waiters huddled around the one TV. i was certain another national bank had bit the dust or some other big news, but when i got closer, i saw that they were all watching a high speed car chase and that the police were just apprehending the crazy driver out from the driver's side of a truck.
i couldn't help but be amused. here i was, observing the drama unfolding in the waiting room while they were finding apparent distraction and possible comfort in watching the mess on the screen- the tiny self-destructive driver on the small screen being manhandled by the angry miniature police in their own tragi-drama. and i assume that the driver then, in turn, spotted a bully picking on a little nerd in a school yard from the back of the paddy wagon on his way to the big house...full circle. like a sad bastard Russian nesting doll.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Rain on My Home Improvements
definitely spring weather we're having, huh? pouring rain for days at a time and now the GREENEST grass ever! i love it. and it's been in the 80's....like when i went running with coworkers on friday. heat stroke + being kidnapped and forced to run= good times. but, begrudgingly, i do have to admit that running is getting easier every time i do it. maybe i will survive the 5k after all. (don't they have a 2k or maybe a 1/3k?).
anyway...the BHE and i are trying to figure out how to make our tiny house into a tiny house w/ some useful space. and it's already a bit frustrating and overwhelming before we even start it. the itty bitty kitchen has been the bane of my existence since we moved in (so little counter space that i once caught my sister rolling dough up the side of the microwave). but of course, with every project comes a lot of unknowns and unexpected costs, so we're weighing all our options.
and i feel a bit like i just woke from a long slumber. the cold, dark winter coupled with my obsessive reading of serial vampire books and watching countless hours of movies has made me a bit negligent on things like my house and finances and health and cleaning. so ENOUGH! i'm going to be a lean, mean, organized and productive machine. and i might even put away the chocolate chip bag that i've been dipping directly into while i type this. also, my new leaf includes NOT putting chocolaty finger prints on my keyboard. anymore.
anyway...the BHE and i are trying to figure out how to make our tiny house into a tiny house w/ some useful space. and it's already a bit frustrating and overwhelming before we even start it. the itty bitty kitchen has been the bane of my existence since we moved in (so little counter space that i once caught my sister rolling dough up the side of the microwave). but of course, with every project comes a lot of unknowns and unexpected costs, so we're weighing all our options.
and i feel a bit like i just woke from a long slumber. the cold, dark winter coupled with my obsessive reading of serial vampire books and watching countless hours of movies has made me a bit negligent on things like my house and finances and health and cleaning. so ENOUGH! i'm going to be a lean, mean, organized and productive machine. and i might even put away the chocolate chip bag that i've been dipping directly into while i type this. also, my new leaf includes NOT putting chocolaty finger prints on my keyboard. anymore.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
New Policy: Only Run if I'm Being Chased
...and then only if i'm over 90% sure that the thing chasing me is for sure going to eat me. and only then if it will only be a short run.
have i mentioned before that my stupid stinkin' coworkers are all health nuts? they all run long distance and eat healthy and even though they've had a few kids each, you'd never know it looking at them. so...in the spirit of shared health consciousness and against all better judgment, i signed up to run a 5k in a few wks. it's only 3 lousy miles, but for me, it's pretty much a death sentence. and apparently signing up for it and getting the cute little race t-shirt isn't enough, you have to actually train for it. so one of my coworkers (who's running the 10k-6 whole miles of insanity!) asked me if i wanted to run for a few miles this morning. much to my dismay, when i showed up at 10am at the assigned trail head, i found out that she actually meant we'd go for a run and that wasn't code for "going to the local grill for pancakes." so i ran. and whined. i probably spent more calories on the latter. i ran a total of about 2 mls and walked another 2 1/2 or so. and now i want to not move ever again. which will make it hard for me to kill my coworker. i'll find a way.
have i mentioned before that my stupid stinkin' coworkers are all health nuts? they all run long distance and eat healthy and even though they've had a few kids each, you'd never know it looking at them. so...in the spirit of shared health consciousness and against all better judgment, i signed up to run a 5k in a few wks. it's only 3 lousy miles, but for me, it's pretty much a death sentence. and apparently signing up for it and getting the cute little race t-shirt isn't enough, you have to actually train for it. so one of my coworkers (who's running the 10k-6 whole miles of insanity!) asked me if i wanted to run for a few miles this morning. much to my dismay, when i showed up at 10am at the assigned trail head, i found out that she actually meant we'd go for a run and that wasn't code for "going to the local grill for pancakes." so i ran. and whined. i probably spent more calories on the latter. i ran a total of about 2 mls and walked another 2 1/2 or so. and now i want to not move ever again. which will make it hard for me to kill my coworker. i'll find a way.
Friday, April 17, 2009
And...it's Friday and the Sun is Shining. Tra-la!
have had a pretty quiet work week. was on late this week and we've stayed steady-ish. i love being at the hospital late at night- there's something so quiet and sleepy about it. and i've gotten a chance to work w/ some docs and other staff i rarely see, so that's always fun. and i ended up doing a good bit of plastics this week, which i love. a few breast cases that turned out quite lovely. nothing too crazy- ended up not so much like this, maybe more like this. with maybe a little less...less.
now the weather is turning around and the BHE and i are home for a relaxing weekend. thinking about making some long-time-coming changes to our house, so we're gearing up for that. i might get out voted on my idea of hanging our bed from the ceiling and my stairs-to-nowhere as art in the backyard like in "beetlejuice" but i'm gonna try.
might go to a movie or something, too. i've been slacking on movies lately as i have been reading a terrible/totally awesome vampire romance trash novel series w/ the heroine "sookie stackhouse." anyone know of them? evidently they're a big thing on the trashy book market, but are new to me. i've become a total addict. in place of cleaning my house or exercising i've been glued to this series. between this and the "twilight" movie, i might have to find a creature of the night-crush support group.
now the weather is turning around and the BHE and i are home for a relaxing weekend. thinking about making some long-time-coming changes to our house, so we're gearing up for that. i might get out voted on my idea of hanging our bed from the ceiling and my stairs-to-nowhere as art in the backyard like in "beetlejuice" but i'm gonna try.
might go to a movie or something, too. i've been slacking on movies lately as i have been reading a terrible/totally awesome vampire romance trash novel series w/ the heroine "sookie stackhouse." anyone know of them? evidently they're a big thing on the trashy book market, but are new to me. i've become a total addict. in place of cleaning my house or exercising i've been glued to this series. between this and the "twilight" movie, i might have to find a creature of the night-crush support group.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
A Manifesto on Baby Mammals
had a great Easter sunday with some coworkers and their families. ate way too much delicious food and gorged myself on chocolate. there's even a small chance that i was caught by the BHE eating a chocolate cupcake in the shower this morning. i can neither confirm nor deny this claim.
i'm addicted to one of my coworker's 9 month old baby boy. he's got the cutest, fattest little...everything. face, feet, thighs, eyelashes. all of it. he's like a blond, blue-eyed little cherub. a tiny bit "children of the damned," but in a totally cute way. he's the absolute picture of rosy glowing baby health.
i really love spending time with kids. they're so loving and warm and funny. but i must say, the young of our species are exceptionally dumb. i am by no means referring to my coworkers' children specifically-i gather they're all at or above average intelligence for their age. but...in general, babies and young kids have very little problem-solving skills and zero survival instincts. i mean, for pete's sake, it is many, many years into their existence before they can even use doorknobs! and it would be utterly impossible for them to survive in the wild. in fact, they seem to be deliberately trying to off themselves. they toddle out into traffic, they fall into open manholes and wells, they stick fingers in electrical sockets, they drink poisonous substances, they play with knives...i suppose all the while assuming SOMEONE will come to their rescue. (after all, someone already opens doors for them). i'm just saying. if a lion cub or an eaglet was born as slow and awkward as a baby human, they would surely be eaten and/or fall from a tree. baby humans are more like baby cows and horses- clumsy and sort of wandering the world, lost and stupefied. i suppose that's why we eat veal and not lion cub, huh?
anyway. i'm just sayin'.
i'm addicted to one of my coworker's 9 month old baby boy. he's got the cutest, fattest little...everything. face, feet, thighs, eyelashes. all of it. he's like a blond, blue-eyed little cherub. a tiny bit "children of the damned," but in a totally cute way. he's the absolute picture of rosy glowing baby health.
i really love spending time with kids. they're so loving and warm and funny. but i must say, the young of our species are exceptionally dumb. i am by no means referring to my coworkers' children specifically-i gather they're all at or above average intelligence for their age. but...in general, babies and young kids have very little problem-solving skills and zero survival instincts. i mean, for pete's sake, it is many, many years into their existence before they can even use doorknobs! and it would be utterly impossible for them to survive in the wild. in fact, they seem to be deliberately trying to off themselves. they toddle out into traffic, they fall into open manholes and wells, they stick fingers in electrical sockets, they drink poisonous substances, they play with knives...i suppose all the while assuming SOMEONE will come to their rescue. (after all, someone already opens doors for them). i'm just saying. if a lion cub or an eaglet was born as slow and awkward as a baby human, they would surely be eaten and/or fall from a tree. baby humans are more like baby cows and horses- clumsy and sort of wandering the world, lost and stupefied. i suppose that's why we eat veal and not lion cub, huh?
anyway. i'm just sayin'.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Back in a Good Groove (Not the Pit of Despair)
so trip was awesome. perfect weather, great company. awesome food (best restaurant was an old church/monastery where we had lobster and "sexy coffee" which is a flaming boozy coffee drink w/ ice cream). lots of reading mindless books on the beach while sipping banana daiquiris and other such delicacies. also visited mayan ruins, shopped, snorkeled and watched college basketball at a local "irish pub" that served pastrami sandwiches and guacamole, dos equis and guinness.
and we scuba dived...dove...dev(?). diving was sort of the whole point of the trip- we stayed at a dive/snorkel resort. we were slated to do 2 boat dives a day for 3 days. i was dragging my feet going into it because the two days of training last summer (in a cold, murky inland lake and a peed-in high school swimming pool) were not as fun as they sound. i had a mask malfunction on me during the training and so between nerves about losing my equipment/drowning and worry that my motion sickness issues would make me miserable, i was very afraid. but after we got on the boat the first day and it was a beautiful morning and i wasn't feeling nauseous (thank you, dramamine, my BFF), i started to relax. and even on the first dive, i felt surprisingly natural, comfortable, and in control. we dove through some coral tunnels and saw many amazing animals of all shapes and sizes. good times were being had. until i gave myself brain damage and third degree burns.
see, the thing was....since i was so paranoid about my mask falling off, i harnessed it down around my head...emphatically. it squeezed a lot and when i was down at about 80ft the pressure was rather uncomfortable (think cartoon wolf w/ eyes popping out on a slinky when he sees his wolfy heart throb). but again, i was afraid to mess with it, plus, i didn't know what it was SUPPOSED to feel like, so i just endured. evidently that is NOT what it is supposed to feel like. i ended up with 2 pretty nasty, puffy, red/black eyes that lingered like that for a few days. i also kneeled in some fire coral which left some burn patches on one calf...which apparently can fester and boil and linger for weeks or more. but i got lucky and there was a knowledgeable crew on board who could understand my poor spanish (i think i said the equivalent of "there's a red menace ate my foot leg shoe and hurt it me ouch bad"). enough to fix it by pouring vinegar on it. the pain and redness went away immediately. gracias a dios.
so, that was the end of my diving adventures. i will dive again, but for the rest of this trip, i let the BHE and my dad do all the diving while my mum and i sat on the beach and snorkeled and generally avoided further trauma.
so despite all my whining, trust me when i say it was a perfect trip. and soooo relaxing. sigh.
i'm still relaxed from my toes up through my hair. coming back to work this week was great. you'd think i'd be all growly about having to come off vacation, but i'm actually feeling so excited about my job, thrilled by the friends i'm making there...it's so comfortable for me (most days) that it feels like home. ask me again next week. this weekend i'm working/on call both saturday and sunday and then on monday i'm doing 2 cases w/ a tricky doc followed by a difficult vascular case. and then i'm on afternoons all next week. welcome back!
and we scuba dived...dove...dev(?). diving was sort of the whole point of the trip- we stayed at a dive/snorkel resort. we were slated to do 2 boat dives a day for 3 days. i was dragging my feet going into it because the two days of training last summer (in a cold, murky inland lake and a peed-in high school swimming pool) were not as fun as they sound. i had a mask malfunction on me during the training and so between nerves about losing my equipment/drowning and worry that my motion sickness issues would make me miserable, i was very afraid. but after we got on the boat the first day and it was a beautiful morning and i wasn't feeling nauseous (thank you, dramamine, my BFF), i started to relax. and even on the first dive, i felt surprisingly natural, comfortable, and in control. we dove through some coral tunnels and saw many amazing animals of all shapes and sizes. good times were being had. until i gave myself brain damage and third degree burns.
see, the thing was....since i was so paranoid about my mask falling off, i harnessed it down around my head...emphatically. it squeezed a lot and when i was down at about 80ft the pressure was rather uncomfortable (think cartoon wolf w/ eyes popping out on a slinky when he sees his wolfy heart throb). but again, i was afraid to mess with it, plus, i didn't know what it was SUPPOSED to feel like, so i just endured. evidently that is NOT what it is supposed to feel like. i ended up with 2 pretty nasty, puffy, red/black eyes that lingered like that for a few days. i also kneeled in some fire coral which left some burn patches on one calf...which apparently can fester and boil and linger for weeks or more. but i got lucky and there was a knowledgeable crew on board who could understand my poor spanish (i think i said the equivalent of "there's a red menace ate my foot leg shoe and hurt it me ouch bad"). enough to fix it by pouring vinegar on it. the pain and redness went away immediately. gracias a dios.
so, that was the end of my diving adventures. i will dive again, but for the rest of this trip, i let the BHE and my dad do all the diving while my mum and i sat on the beach and snorkeled and generally avoided further trauma.
so despite all my whining, trust me when i say it was a perfect trip. and soooo relaxing. sigh.
i'm still relaxed from my toes up through my hair. coming back to work this week was great. you'd think i'd be all growly about having to come off vacation, but i'm actually feeling so excited about my job, thrilled by the friends i'm making there...it's so comfortable for me (most days) that it feels like home. ask me again next week. this weekend i'm working/on call both saturday and sunday and then on monday i'm doing 2 cases w/ a tricky doc followed by a difficult vascular case. and then i'm on afternoons all next week. welcome back!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Adios, Suckers!
leaving for mexico tonight through texas. all tanned up and pedicured with new sandals and sundress, a 300 pack of Dramamine (my elixir of choice- i wonder if they have support groups for people like me) and ready to go. ate the last fresh food in my fridge and attempted to put my house in some semblance of order so that we will come back to what looks like a house that grown-ups live in. wonderful friend taking us to/fro airport with only promises of eternal devotion and tequila.
glad for the get away and the adventure, but also glad for a break from U.S news. hopefully i'll find that in a land of drug smuggling and kidnapping, our dire, dooms day economic prospects and our infernal insistence on "going green" (i've seen it on everything from cooking magazines- "re-use your oil" to women's magazines -what the HELL is "green sex"??? i don't even want to consider what can be recycled and reused) won't seem so exhausting and annoying. PLUS, i'll get to practicar mi español a bit.
and i had a great last day of work yesterday. did a total abdominal hysterectomy w/ an Ob/Gyn i did a rotation with last year and it was awesome! interesting case and i was very involved- she did 1/2 and i did the other. i was high all day from that. :)
i won't have 'puter access in mexico, but we'll be taking lots of pics and i'll post on it when i get back. assuming i don't get kidnapped, eaten, or drowned. if one of these fates befalls me, please eat some chocolate and take a shot (pudding shot?) for your fallen homie.
hasta luego!
glad for the get away and the adventure, but also glad for a break from U.S news. hopefully i'll find that in a land of drug smuggling and kidnapping, our dire, dooms day economic prospects and our infernal insistence on "going green" (i've seen it on everything from cooking magazines- "re-use your oil" to women's magazines -what the HELL is "green sex"??? i don't even want to consider what can be recycled and reused) won't seem so exhausting and annoying. PLUS, i'll get to practicar mi español a bit.
and i had a great last day of work yesterday. did a total abdominal hysterectomy w/ an Ob/Gyn i did a rotation with last year and it was awesome! interesting case and i was very involved- she did 1/2 and i did the other. i was high all day from that. :)
i won't have 'puter access in mexico, but we'll be taking lots of pics and i'll post on it when i get back. assuming i don't get kidnapped, eaten, or drowned. if one of these fates befalls me, please eat some chocolate and take a shot (pudding shot?) for your fallen homie.
hasta luego!
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