Last Day of Freedom.....(gulp).....

i am on my last day of vacation (which started last thursday) and i start my rotations tomorrow morning at 6:45am in a hospital 45 minutes from here. it's surgery, and it's supposed to be a really good rotation. but seeing as i have nothing to compare it to, a "really good rotation" may only mean they don't beat us w/ medical instruments and let us sleep on an actual cot when we're on-call instead of down in the morgue w/ the lawsuits.

i think it actually means we get to be involved in a lot of cases since there are no medical students at this particular hospital, so we're kind of the top of the heap of the student order. in many hospitals we're competing w/ the medical interns and residents for time w/ the attendings and opportunities to do procedures.

i've gone from feeling terrified to feeling inevitable about the whole thing. i only know what i know and can only be as charming and out-of-the-way as i can be, so that's what i'm prepared w/. i had every intention of re-reading much of my surgery text book this week and re-learning all of human anatomy, but this is not going to happen. it's been a very relaxing, enjoyable week. today is my day to get all my last minute stuff together (and to be totally honest, to pace the house in terror).

all of my classmates are feeling jittery and uncertain, also. the few of us who have surgery first have a lot of anxiety, since this will be the most new, most different from what we learned. and some of us have a bit of a woozy issue with body gore....so we'll see how that goes. working in a hospital i've had my fair exposure to colostomy bags and bloody emesis (puke) and feel ok about all of the smells and sights i'll experience, but i remember making abdominal incisions into the cadaver and 'feeling his pain' and so anticipate the actual scalpel to living flesh experience will be a bit nerve-racking. also, our professors have instructed us repeatedly on backing out of the sterile field and sitting down if we feel light-headed. apparently students drop head-first into sterile patients all the time. something about no sleep, no food, and a stretch of 8 hours on your feet in hot surgical scrubs and gown. go figure. i'll keep you posted. if anyone wants to start a bit of a wager on how soon/how often i'll bite it, i would not be the least offended (and only expect 20% of the winnings....i'm not to proud to go down for the right price).

anyway.....off i go. i feel like i'm jumping either onto a roller coaster or into a black hole. also, i am seeing that w/ only a week off, i head into a WHOLE NOTHER YEAR OF THIS. i am so aware what the last 12 months did to me...how long it was, how much work and angst and stress it was. i feel like i've been through the battle and should be able to sit it out for a while...but instead i have to be even more alert and vigilant as now there will be vulnerable patients relying on me. i have to keep my head in it and as one of my classmates rips off from "Finding Nemo," i have to "just keep swimming, just keep swimming...."

more soon.....wish me luck!