Things I've Learned About the Human Body

1- new parents are always worried about their babies having 10 fingers and 10 toes, but digit mutation is actually highly unusual. you should be more worried about the babies having fur patches on their backs (for real) or having both boy and girl parts and having to choose the sex (also for real). ok, to be fair, these things are also highly unusual, but aren't they WAY WORSE than a missing pinky?

2-everyone has back problems. we're not really meant to walk erect all the time like we do. but considering the alternative, i think i'll just find a better pair of shoes.

3- humans are animals, minerals, and vegetables, it seems, judging by the weird stuff we can grow on our skin. be glad i picked those pictures, it could have been so much worse.

4- if you're retaining water, the lowest point on the body will always be the most swollen. so if you're standing or sitting all day, it will be your legs. if you're in a hospital bed with the head and foot of the bed elevated and you're a dude, it will be your scrotum. That is something to see. You will never look at a red water balloon the same again, will you? :)

5-we all have different pain tolerances, responses to pain meds and anesthetics, and rates of recovery. it is impossible to accurately predict success/failure or unpleasantness of treatment from one patient to the next. "will this hurt?" is a common question patients ask- i just always say "we'll try to go quickly, but you might feel some pressure" for everything. so if you hear that from your practitioner, you've been warned.

6- most of us do not get better looking with age. things will sag and wrinkle. and this is normal. it seems like everyone thinks they are the oldest/fattest/baldest/most over the hill. but notice that while physically we may deteriorate as we get older just remember how much smarter we become every day. the only proof you need is to listen to a teenager talk for 30 seconds. (at which point you might WISH you had hearing loss).

7-it is absolutely miraculous what the body can survive. i've seen 600lb patients and people who smoked 2 packs/day of cigarettes for 50 years and though they're not the pictures of health, they're still alive into their 60's. and that is amazing. we are so extremely durable, and stretchable, and adaptable. BUT, we are also very fragile. i saw several motor cycle accidents during my ER rotation. those patients who walked away from them made me believe in guardian angels. but they were the minority.

8-much of health really is mind over matter. attitude literally makes all the difference. i've seen end-stage cancer patients offering support to other people, always smiling and full of hope, most definitely partially responsible for their own level of wellness. on the flip side, i've seen plenty of people give up and give in to the common cold.

9-most everyone is self-conscious about their bodies. occasionally i hear tell of a female PA student getting an eye-full from a voyeuristic male patient, but everyone else is really sensitive to being seen unclothed. and totally honestly, from behind-the-scenes, medical practitioners do not care what you look like. they've literally seen it all. so don't apologize to us for not shaving, don't worry that we're staring at your dimples and other unsight-lies- we're not.

10- what goes in must come out. patients with diarrhea are miserable, but those with constipation think they're dying. and if they're not, they request that you just kill them. this is still true.