"I Just Want to Forget"

war sucks.

and i'm not talking about whether or not we should be in iraq....i'm not talkin' politics. i kind of figure that every country/kingdom/domain has their moments of attacking and moments of getting attacked and that in the grand scheme of things, our country is average among them. i don't know what it takes to rule the country, i wouldn't want to try. i'm not sure what i would pick as America's goals or core competencies. i'm pretty glad i don't have to make the call whether or not we go to war, or have to have the burden of all those lives in my hands. so this isn't about a political perspective. but as a rule... war sucks.

i've seen only veteran psych patients for the past week. and they have a variety of conditions-schizophrenia, depression illnesses, bipolar disorder, anxieties, and some personality disorders. but something you see a whole lot more of in this population than others is post traumatic stress disorder.

i have heard a lot about ptsd on the news and on cop shows and stuff, but this is the first i've encountered it firsthand. and i have to say, it is very real and totally devastating. it stems from witnessing horrific terrors daily for months at a time, facing your own impending death, witnessing your friends and colleagues deaths, having to kill. these are things you don't just bounce back from. these people have daily and nightly nightmares, sometimes so intense that their spouses can't share a bed with them for fear of being smacked or strangled in the fit of a dream. they are tense all the time and tightly wound, so that every little noise and distraction can send them into a tailspin. one guy told me that he attacked a friend on the 4th of july because his friend was setting off firecrackers. many of them use alcohol or other drugs to try to control these phantom terrors. it leads to a lot of social isolation. a veteran told me that people he's around either ONLY want to talk to him about the war or NEVER want to talk to him about it, as if he didn't go through it and he can just get back to life as usual.

speaking of that- after the adrenaline, the insanity, the importance of what they did while in battle, finding "normal" again at home is really challenging. see the movie "plenty" with meryl streep for a good demonstration of the incongruence in expectations that veterans experience after returning home from battle.

and some of the descriptions i've heard from veterans returning from iraq on the things people are saying to them here in the states sound like accounts from returning vietnam soldiers. (maybe without the demonstrations and stones being thrown at them as they step off of planes). apparently everyone has an opinion. (and you know what they say about those). one veteran told me he feels like he's the only one he knows who thinks we SHOULD be in the war and that we are doing necessary and important work in iraq. he says he gets mocked and ridiculed for these thoughts. and so, again, he drinks 10 beers a night, avoids his friends, doesn't watch the news, and tries to forget.

ready for a soapbox? here goes...

i can't imagine anything more disrespectful than telling a returning soldier your negative opinions on the war. first of all, it's their job- they should be proud of the work they do. and they believe that they're doing it for a worthy cause- that things like freedom and the security of our country are on the line. so attacking them is criticizing their work, and likely appearing as an ingrate for the protection they provided us. second of all, they were there- they may have lost friends, they may have been shot at, they may have had to shoot at other humans. we can't even imagine what that's like. any of it. and third of all, a soldier is not responsible for this war. they are part of it, they are involved in a small piece of it, but they are not the ones making the decisions. it's like blaming a doctor for the crappy condition of our health care system. wrongly placed blame.

so i've seen some frustrated, destroyed men and women battling with PTSD. it's a lifetime struggle. with psychotherapy, group support, and multiple anti anxiety and antidepressant drugs, it can be controlled. but the terror can never be taken away.

and of course, the other psych conditions are amazing to see. like schizophrenia, where "successful treatment" means always staying 2 steps ahead of the voices. i've seen several suicide attempts and threats, where patients are so low that they can hardly lift their heads off their pillows and just can't think of anything worth fighting for.

it's been depressing to be around all this, as you can imagine. i actually had nightmares the first few nights. i kept waking up with violent images in my head, which is totally unusual for me. i think i was internalizing too much. that's a problem i tend to have. i feel people's pain and want to take it from them. i'm working on finding a compassionate but detached position. wish me luck.

and in conclusion...war sucks.