Mojo Lost and Stressin'

so i used to be really good at taking exams. i thought i had some sort of sixth test-passing sense and that i could "use my instinct" to get by on anything. not so much. last week i failed an ekg exam and have to re-take an annoying version of it. now this week i just took my psych exam and while i did ok, nothing to write home about. i just don't care much anymore. i sit there on questions i'm uncertain about and just randomly pick something because i'm too apathetic to give it much thought. and this is a problem, since i have several intense cumulative exams coming up, not to mention by boards. evidently employers request that you take AND PASS your certification exam and get a license before they'll let you practice under their license on their patients. drag. i just think i'm out of school mode.

but then, i'm not entirely in work mode, either. all my friends have their CV's and resumes out, are interviewing, and some even already have jobs and contracts and stuff. i've been so unmotivated to do anything...and i feel like i'm falling behind. we're lucky, PA's in this market are pretty much gold right now, so i don't think i'll have trouble finding a job, it's just that i might be slacking my way out of finding the right job. and i don't even know exactly what i want to be when i grow up...which discipline i am 'passionate' about enough to seek a 'challenging position in.' so far i've loved obgyn the most- and i start a few week elective in that next week- but is that too specialized? will i have wished that i went into more primary care? will i work with the type of patients i want to work with? have a good amount of autonomy while still being guided, taught? will i make enough money? will i be in a clinic and wish i was in a hospital or vice versa?

aaaaaaaahhhhh!!

i just want a job fairy to show up and land one in my lap. and i don't want to be like all the other new grad PA's who change jobs every 6 months for their first few years until they find the right fit. i want to find the perfect place for me. and i want to have a clue what that is. and since we're on the subject, i want to work only 15 hours/week but make tons of money and get chocolate cake bonuses when i'm especially productive. seems reasonable enough to me.

so i guess i'm feeling stressed out and kind of blah. i'm off this long weekend and am throwing a birthday party for my husband, so hopefully i'll be able to relax, have fun, and not worry about this stuff for a little while. and then come back next week refreshed and motivated to get after it.
sounds like a plan. thanks for listening to be gripe.

p.s. i am reading something for fun right now....it's the sequel to "house of god" by samual shem, called "mount misery" about his residency in psychiatry. it's accurate on the challenges of being a student and on the agony of working with psych patients. so it's depressing, of course. smartly written and wry, but maybe not the most relaxing piece of literature i could have chosen while going through my mental break down.