The Memory Lost and Found

i found some pleasant memories while on campus again thursday- this time to get my diploma. i now have an official looking stiff document that says "(my name)" and "masters of science." it gave me pause to actually see that in writing. it's pretty incredible. higher education has become a big deal to me, so i'm proud to have another, advanced degree. but the science part is what floors me. it wasn't all that long ago that i feared and loathed anything science/mathy/brainy. i certainly never thought realistically that i'd be "mastering" anything science-related. i'm really proud. i looked around as i wandered around campus (and bought a bunch of alumni gear...i can't seem to get enough of that stuff these days)....and i thought a lot about all i've gained there the last few years...the friendships, the knowledge, the terrors realized and then conquered. i also mused at all the undergrads lounging all over campus. when i was taking classes ("back in MY day..."), i was there as a grad student.... i wore scrubs, was married and all growed up and was on a weird academic schedule, so we were there all summer when other students weren't. so to me, campus was a very buckled-down, serious, quiet place. but for these undergrads, these precious 18 year olds in their kitschy grouch indie clothes, drawing on sketch pads by the fountain, throwing frisbies in the square, and playing duets on the piano in the quad, this place is there home and their exciting intro into adulthood. it's adorable. and kind of exhausting. i remember all the work it took to be at that stage.

but that's all i remember. well, that, and the nuances of pinot noir grapes in napa valley. surprisingly, there were no questions on either of those topics on the licensing exam i took yesterday. it was a long, rough test and i had a lot of memory loss throughout it. i arrived at the test site at 7:30am for an 8pm start time. i was scared, of course. and then intimidated, as i saw that the security for the test center could shame most fbi headquarters. a bunch of us were taking exams- not just my fellow PA's, but also nurses and others probably taking GRE's and stuff....i don't know for sure, no one was talking very much at that point. they made us take a number. then they called us up one by one to shake us down (empty our pockets of even things like chapstick...oh, yes, chapstick! because there could be a microphone in it or it could contain tiny scrolls of documents or something) and take our fingerprints and photographs and show 2 forms of ID with our names identical on both of them. then they made us leave everything un-test-friendly in a locked locker in the outer room- snacks and water and car keys and CHAPSTICK and then they walked us back to the testing room again ONE BY ONE to explain how the test setting would work. before going into the exam, and then upon leaving and entering every break, we had to have our fingerprint scanned and show picture ID. when we logged off our computer to take a break (communicated to the testing guards without audible words, but rather a twig snapping sign language sign of "break") our pictures would pop up on the screen. there was a key to get into the bathroom. this madness went on and on.

the exam itself was rough. there were things that i just flat out knew. and there were things that i should have known, but just hadn't bothered to go back and memorize. and there were many things that i just had to guess on, because i had either never heard of them, or was familiar w/ the concept, but hadn't seen/read anything about it in 2 yrs and couldn't recall anything about it. and so i kicked myself during the exam. often. it was very frustrating. and tiring. the exam was 360 questions, and we had 6 hours allotted. i thought i'd be done in 4, easy, but it took me 5hrs and 40 minutes. my head hurt and vision was blurring by the end...well, really more like by the 2/3rd mark. it took a lot to stay focused to the end. i just wanted to leave and go cry in the locked bathroom. and the worst thing might be that i won't find out my results for a week. i'm used to getting instant gratification w/ exam scores popping up as soon as i submit the exam, but i'll have to sit on this one. and, the salt on my wound is that if i don't pass this time, i will lose my awesome beautiful surgery job and i will have to wait the mandatory 3 months to pay the $425 to re-take this 6 hr ball-breaking exam!!

but i'm trying to stay positive.

and my fear of certain failure starting my new job monday is actually sort of helping to distract me from my fear of certain failure on the exam. so that's good. :)

today we're hanging out in the college town where my sister goes to school, watching some college football and tailgating and stuff. we had to walk past fraternity row to get to my sister's house and....never mind, there is nothing precious or adorable about undergraduates. they are lame versions of who they were as kids and dumb versions of who they will (hopefully) some day become as adults.

bah-humbug.