Again with the Debbie Downer

it's 10:00am and i'm in my pajamas, drinking a cafe au lait and watching "golden girls" reruns right now, like any good summer break morning should be. and last night i was all zen after i did yoga. i left the gym totally relaxed and thinking world peace thoughts. as i walked to my car, i glanced over at a rotund couple walking into the ice cream store (right next to the gym, how cruel is that?) and actually thought, "you don't want to go in there, you want to turn around and go home and drink some green tea." and then i laughed at myself, because somewhere in my mind i actually believed for a second that my jedi mind power would work.

so clearly, i'm doing my best to feel relaxed and celebratory this week. but i was up much of the night tossing and turning. yes, my exams are over, but they were pretty intense and i still don't have my results, so there's a chance that i'll have to redo one or a few of them. which means, there's always a chance that at this late date, a few short days from graduation, i won't make it through the program. all that work, all that money, all that stress- can be wiped away in a moment's failure. and i'm afraid i may have failed. and if i do get through and graduate, there's always the impending licensing exam for which i have to frantically hit the books. a 6 hour painfully difficult exam that can keep me from practicing. and immediately after that, i start the new job where they expect me to know stuff and be able to practice at a proficient level. i'm pretty terrified about that. all of that.

so, as per my M.O., i have found a way to make this most awesome of times of celebration and success into an uncertain and daunting time. ugh.

so i'm going to go lay out in the sun and finish reading "mount misery" by samuel shem. it's been depressing the last few chapters, but is starting to look up, so i'm hopeful that it too will help pull me out of my mood. (by the way- whoever commented on samuel shem- are any of the other books a little brighter? is there a new one out this summer? this one has been much darker, less hopeful than "house of God" and i've struggled to get through it).

addendum: watch how quickly i can swing moods. ready? so i just got my final grades and i PASSED EVERYTHING! the one exam i was pretty sure i'd really blown, i received the lowest grade necessary to pass, meaning that I PASSED! and i finished reading "mount misery" which ended really profoundly and beautifully with a lot of hope (and my tears). so now i'm feeling all yippppppppeeeeeeee!!!! guess what? i'm graduating, graduating, gradu-gradu-graduating!!