Old Age: The Pros and Cons

pros= *by definition, it means that you're not dead, *you probably don't have zits, *you can get away with saying ridiculous things and people find you more charming than creepy, *you likely lived through several sweet fashion/style eras and have crazy cool pics to prove it, *you might still own stuff that was made when they made stuff "like they used to," *you are expected to fart in public, *you know nifty ways to convert Christmas tree tinsel into rifles, support stockings, and butter- whatever Uncle Sam needs at the time, *you no longer have to worry about menstrual cramps or having babies (although, see "bladder prolapse" and "ungrateful children" below), *you can eat all the sweets you want because they're not your teeth anyway (and besides, fluoride's for sissies).

cons= *all of the following are falling, shedding, rotting, degenerating, slipping, weakening or loosening: hips, back, butt, boobs, teeth, hair, joints, heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, bladder, prostate, colon, stomach, mind, arches, eyes, ears, nose, sense of taste/smell, dilly wang, and bladder/bowel control, *you grow hair only where it really ought not grow, *your kids for whom you sacrificed everything to birth and raise up right are at best, living far away and not calling often enough, and at worst- living in your basement, *nothing is sacred and there doesn't seem to be any respect anymore (ie: sales clerks on cell phones, movies with all swear words, McDonald's now serving yogurt, laws about wearing seat belts, that damned fluoride), *since when can you not back up on the shoulder of the freeway if you miss your exit? *music is getting louder, crasser, and less interesting and when you want to hear the good stuff on the radio, you have to be reminded that you are a "golden oldie," *previous generations had pensions and financial security in retirement- you have the slots, buying/selling prescription drugs from Canada, and shoplifting.

i jest, i jest. i LOVE the elderly patients i get to see at the clinic. they are so interesting, dynamic, and wizened. some have a lot of health issues with which they're battling, but others are still working in their 80's and 90's. some still climbing on roofs, chopping wood, and practicing law...(which one of those makes you the most nervous?). there are a lot of challenges that come along with aging. the body, mind, and world changes and i imagine it can be very frustrating. but despite these things, so many take such joy in that stage of life. it's wonderful. i am VERY blessed to have vital, happy, healthy grandparents....their youthfulness has colored my perception of what it means to be old. it's shocking to me to see the 65 year olds in the office who are hobbling around when my grandparents run circles around me in their 80's.

so...a 92 year old with quite a pile of eyebrows today told me a joke that i thought i'd share. the doctor introduced the patient to me and told me that he was 92. the patient, without missing a beat said, "yea, i come from good stock. my grandma was 105 when she died...but the baby survived!" he was a funny guy. he also told me that i was too pretty to bother with all this medicine stuff. "you don't need it," he said. then i swear i heard him mutter something about fluoride under his breath.