Confessions of a Disgruntled PA Student

i try to stay upbeat on this blog. in fact, having this kind of public diary helps me focus on the funny, sweet things that happen during my days as a student and not dwell so much on my mistakes, errors in judgment and the insane volume of work i still have in front of me.

but i must confess in the name of being entirely forthright and in an attempt to demonstrate my experiences as they genuinely are.....this has been a rough couple of weeks. practicing hospital medicine for the first time (with really sick patients usually with multiple complicated illnesses) i am still missing things that i shouldn't be, still stumped on simple concepts and unsure how to proceed in many circumstances. when presenting cases or making a treatment plan, i say stupid, senseless things to my preceptors all the time and have no idea if they are as shocked by my ineptitude as i am, or if they're used to hearing dumb things out of the mouths of students. i hope the latter. i have this constant fear that i am the least competent, least intelligent of the bunch and that they might fail me from this rotation, from the school all together, possibly even from life. (alright, that may be a bit of an exaggeration. i don't think they can actually vote me off the life island. but maybe.).

it doesn't help that my head is still full of snot and so my thoughts are all coming through a cloudy haze. for example, earlier today while playing cribbage with my husband, i added up 7 and 9 and made 26. and a few days ago i could not for the life of me come up with the short, curly-haired actor who was the male star in "when harry met sally." so translate my bad math and weak movie trivia thinking to trying to recall detailed medical knowledge, and you can see how i've been in trouble. and it's not just higher thinking things like IV antibiotic dosing or grading a heart murmur or decubitus ulcer. oh no. it's stupid stuff like actually charting and then reporting to my preceptor that a patient had left middle lobe pneumonia. that would be fine and good if WE HUMANS HAD 3 LOBES ON THE LEFT SIDE. but we don't. there are only two- an upper and lower. and 3 on the right side. a foolish, rookie thing to say/write/think and should not be happening at this point in my education. how many chest xrays have i seen? how many times have i learned pulmonary anatomy and physiology? garh! why, brain, why? and why, mouth, are you an accomplice?

so anyway. it hasn't been a great period for my self confidence. but i'm sure it will get better. and that eventually my snotty head will clear up and i will think clearly again.

thanks for listening. and it's billy crystal, by the way. but i'm sure you knew that. (because everyone on the planet is smarter than i am. sob.)

but even when i'm feeling low....i can't help it- this always cheers me up.